Resolving Conflict in Marriage Biblically
Conflict is a natural part of marriage, arising from differences in personality, values, and expectations - along with the fact that we’re all imperfect. How couples handle these conflicts is vital for a healthy relationship. As followers of Jesus, we can seek guidance in scripture to resolve disagreements. While conflict is unavoidable, our approach in how we handle it can strengthen or weaken our bond. Here are five biblical ways for effectively resolving conflict in marriage:
Listen
James 1:19-20 highlights the importance of listening in conflict resolution. Conflicts often escalate when we rush to defend ourselves instead of listening to our spouse. Being quick to listen shows humility and understanding while controlling our words and temper, which is vital for a strong marriage.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. (James 1:19-20)
2. Be Unified As One
Marriage is a sacred union where two become one, as stated in Matthew 19:5-6. You and your spouse are united—spiritually, emotionally, and physically. When conflicts arise, we often forget this oneness and start seeing each other as opponents. Remember, you are actually on the same team! Just as Paul points out in Ephesians, your enemy isn’t your spouse.
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:12)
In disagreements, aim for mutual understanding rather than winning. Embrace your unity by rejecting pride, admitting when you're wrong, and putting your spouse first. You don’t always have to get your way; often, we misinterpret questions as criticism. Choose to respond with love to resolve conflicts in marriage.
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Matthew 19:5-6)
3. Communication Like Christ
Healthy communication is the foundation of any successful relationship. It includes active listening, eye contact, giving your partner full attention, appropriate responses, and respectful body language. Using "I" statements to express feelings instead of blaming each other is crucial, as is the willingness to acknowledge when you're wrong.
Incorporating these elements creates a strong base for love and harmony. As Christians, God calls us to be attentive to one another in marriage and engage in meaningful dialogue. While actions convey much, words also provide understanding. Christ, the Word of God, demonstrated perfect communication and showed us the importance of treating one another compassionately.
“He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.” When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. (1 Peter 2:22-23)
3. Forgive
Forgiveness is vital for resolving conflicts in a Christian marriage. It involves letting go of resentment and bitterness, which fosters healing and allows couples to move forward with love and compassion.
Every couple will face failures that lead to hurt, and the only true relief is the balm of forgiveness. It is essential to ask for and offer forgiveness quickly, a practice closely tied to one’s relationship with God. While it would be nice if it were an easier process, it doesn’t happen easily or automatically. Forgiveness is often a choice we must make for the betterment of our marriage and in the interest of unification.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
5. Seek Counsel
If you find it difficult to resolve conflict in your marriage alone, consider seeking help from a Christian counselor. This choice reflects a commitment to work toward a resolution, not a sign of weakness.
Conflict is a natural part of marriage, but overcoming sustained issues can be challenging. Couples often struggle to address underlying problems and recognize deeper conflict patterns. A Christian counselor can help couples identify the areas where they feel stuck in their marriage and advise them on how to use their faith to make positive changes. Restored keeps a running list of counselors that can be helpful, and would be happy to share it with you.
“Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.” (Proverbs 13:10)
Christian Marriage Resources
Here are a few trusted resources, Restored recommends:
Re|Engage - A marriage ministry offered in churches throughout the Triangle
Your Marriage is Made for More - Hope in Real Life Podcast
House of Cards - Hope Community Church Sermon Series
